Summer has arrived, and we think these hot days and sultry nights are the perfect backdrop for a little romance. So we’re cueing up another round of Bas Bleu’s popular series, “Dating Profiles of the Literary Lovelorn,” in which we imagine some of our favorite literary characters navigating the hazardous waters of online dating sites! (Missed earlier installments of the series? Check out chapter 1 and chapter 2.) This time around, we’re profiling several of your suggestions, dear readers!
Molly Bloom, Ulysses
Irish singer with dark good looks seeks male consort yes to put a spring in my step yes and fill the void left by my husband yes who spends his days roaming the streets of Dublin pondering the intricacies of life yes instead of attending to our marriage yes and realizing how much I also miss our son yes and trying to see life from my point of view yes I am a spirited woman yes who yearns for the intimacy yes that comes from passion oh yes and shared memories yes and will I give you my all yes I will yes.
Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The most amazing, the most fantastic, the most extraordinary businessman the world has ever seen hungers for a partner with whom to share my deep affection for the sweeter things in life. Childless (though guardian to all of my employees) and well-traveled, with extended stays in Loompa Land and the farthest reaches of outer space. I speak several languages and am well-versed in all forms of nonsense. Applicants must have an insatiable appetite for whimsy, imagination, and sugar. Give me a taste; I just may be your golden ticket to happiness.
Beatrice, Much Ado About Nothing
Aristocratic and quick-witted husband sought for fair and virtuous woman with a gift for banter and admittedly little interest in marriage. The gentleman must be more than a youth and never less than a man, ever willing and able to sustain a merry war of wits. Good sense is a must, but a flair for the dramatic will be appreciated as long as he’s confident enough to handle being bested by his woman on occasion. A wise man will not mistake the lady’s good humor for a fickle temperament, however; her loyalty to her family is ferocious and her honor deeply ingrained. Interested suitors should address their inquiries to the lady’s cousin Hero, at the governor’s house in Messina.
Career seaman seeks first mate to ease the pangs of life’s voyages. The world is a harsh place, and I need a woman willing to battle alongside me without attempting to divert me from my destiny. What I lack in physical fortitude I make up for in iron resolve: Once I tip my harpoon at something, only death will keep me from it. Ye must stand fast against the loneliness of life as a sailor’s wife, yet ye need not fear poverty: My crew is known on all tides for their bravery and fortitude, and our upcoming voyage is guaranteed to net the greatest catch to ever swim the seven seas. Take a chance on an old man; we’ll have a whale of a time!
Jo March, Little Women
Outspoken young authoress from a large, tightly knit family interested in finding a man with whom to share life’s burdens. I’ve been called “rough and wild” by some, but in truth I simply long for the freedom the men of my acquaintance have been born to. Money is no object; I’ve made my own way in the world before and need little to get by. I cannot sing, and I shun the social whirl so many women covet, preferring to spend my days at work at my writing desk or roaming the New England countryside. Any man searching simply for a housekeeper and cook need not apply; my domestic skills are downright abysmal. Just ask my mother!
James Bond, Casino Royale
(Profile deleted. Client claims to need no assistance meeting women.)
Tess Durbeyfield, Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Angel or devil, nice guy or bad boy: In my young life I’ve thrown away my strength on both and have learned that men are doomed to make promises they cannot keep. Dare I seek a man who offers kindness and security…but spares me the double standards and cruelty that always seem to be part of the package? I know all too well that life is not fair; my heart has been broken time and again by betrayal, loss, and Sorrow. I have had enough of being a symbol of virtue or sin; I will no longer be sacrificed on the altar of society’s expectations. Can you be for me what no one else can? I am ready.
Gilbert Blythe, Anne of Green Gables series
Teacher turned medical student longs for a kindred spirit with whom to share my generous heart. Love comes on me in a rush—like a slate broken over the head—but rest assured I am steadfast and true. Mine is a happy disposition, admittedly with a mischievous streak and a penchant for shenanigans (i.e. I could be wicked…but I won’t). Though it causes me no end of trouble, I’m at my best when challenged by a sharp mind and a quick temper. Silly schoolgirls bent on flirtation and marriage need not apply; I’m drawn to intelligent women with courage, ambition, and joyful optimism. Please note I have a weakness for auburn hair and vivid imaginations.
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