If Classic Books Were Pitched By Supermarket Magazines

If you’ve ever stood in a grocery-store checkout line, you’ve read the absurd, often conflicting blurbs on the magazine covers displayed there—“10 Easiest Weight-Loss Tricks” is inevitably paired with “5 Reasons This Chocolate Cake Will Change Your Life” and “16 Top Tips for Landing Mr. Right” paired with “6 Signs You’re Better Off Single.” During a recent shopping trip, the Bas Bleu editors got to thinking: What headlines would such a magazine pair with classic books, to lure in readers?

Rebecca: 15 Reasons Why You’ll Never Live Up to His Ex 

Pride and Prejudice: 10 Truths Universally Acknowledged About the Dangers of First Impressions

Macbeth: 4 Sure-fire Signs Your Ambition Has Gone Too Far

The Catcher in the Rye: 17 Things to Do in New York When Playing Hooky For the Day

Les Misérables: 21 Reasons Everyone Deserves a Second Chance

The Taming of the Shrew: 8 Hints Your Guy Is Lying When He Says He Just Wants a “Nice Girl”

Winnie-the-Pooh: 99 Perks of Doing Nothing All Day

Vanity Fair: 13 Tricks for Faking Your Way to the Top

The Great Gatsby: 6 Reminders That Money Can’t Buy You Love

Great Expectations: 12 Ways to Move On After Being Jilted

The Scarlet Letter: 26 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Care What Other People Think

Now it’s your turn, bluestockings. In the comments below, give us your best “magazine cover book pitch!”


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15 thoughts on “If Classic Books Were Pitched By Supermarket Magazines

  1. This was so much fun. Here are some:

    Bleak House – Spontaneous Human Combustion is Real

    A Christmas Carol – Has the Well-Known Miser Been Replaced By a Look-Alike? Story Inside.

    A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court – Time Travel: Delusion or Reality?

    Doctor Zhivago – How to Know If Your Husband Is Cheating on You

    Emma – Spoiled Rich Girl At It Again

    The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – Seven Steps to a Superior Closet

    My Cousin Rachel – Murder Among the Rich and Famous?

    Pinocchio – A Sure-Fire Way to Know When Your Child Is Lying to You

  2. Romeo and Juliet–“What to do when your family can’t stand HIM and his family can’t stand YOU!! (Hint: eloping is not the answer.)”

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